Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
