just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
