you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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