Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Is Oprah even human
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
