You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's just like the Real World with babies
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
