Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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