four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
