Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do vagina's smell?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
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I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
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Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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