Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
