it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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