So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
