toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
