??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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