I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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