The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
