Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
