Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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