Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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