I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
