I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
