I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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