You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
