I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
