I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
