what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
