my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
