I think I won the penis lottery.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
