i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
