Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Too much gin, very little bucket
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
