Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
