i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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