his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
