Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
