Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
