Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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