I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
porn star boner night. come get it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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