Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
