And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
