She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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