my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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