I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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