So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
