Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
