i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
