am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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