Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
