They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
