I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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