I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
