Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
