that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
