So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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