what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
