Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
