Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can tuck mytits in my pants
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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