Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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